Single

I'm glad that I've built a tolerance for being single. My pastor said I met a young woman and I did, but it ended just as fast as it began. I'm kinda glad because being single seems less of a waste of time than being in a relationship. It seems that most of the time your so worried about the other person you begin to forget about yourself. It doesn't help that I try so hard to please everyone, that being in a relationship would amplify that to a million. So working and keeping my head down seems the right thing to do. Just glad I made the decision to move on, soon I'll delete her IM and just move on like she never existed. It's like a skill I've developed to erase people from my memory before they can cause any lasting scars or have any impact. Oh well goes with my law that if you waste my time, your erased from mind.

Catch up

So I haven't written in a while. I have to admit I've been kind of afraid to write. The kids I teach tennis too during school hours are some of the worst kids I've ever seen in my life. They have no respect, no fear for authority, no fear for death, no fear of even each other. They only fear the opinion developed if they aren't apart of the cool crowd. The blatantly curse in front of you, and try to steal as much as possible.

I remember asking the PE teacher if the next session I have will have more kids or less and she told me " It either depends on if they are absent or suspended."

Since when is this acceptable to let the youth of tomorrow be swallowed by the sins of our pasts? The principle even stated during class " I don't even know why any of you are laughing, half of you won't pass the 8th grade." So it's ok to ruin your life before it even starts. These kids don't have dreams and if they were to have a flash foward it would either be dead or still in the same house that keeps them prisoner today.

How do you save something that fights to be saved? There are flickers of light though, a young man showed up and he named the entire top ten men of the ATP tennis association. And he offered to help his fellow students. His teacher told me " he's in honors everything, he's a 3.5 student, and is incredibly smart; just acts out because he doesn't want anyone to know he's smart."

So a man has a candle and is surrounded by hundreds playing in the dark, and since there are so many, he hides his candle so he will be accepted. He deserves much more than that. I'm just not sure what to do with these children. I also started talking to a friend and I'm not sure I want to even talk, because I don't think I'm good enough to be desired. It's weird because I still live at home and don't have my own everything I feel undesirable. But some reason people see potential in me for more in work, life, love, and all that jive. Well thats whats been going on in a nut shell hope your still reading whoever you are. Peace.

Assending

I hit tennis balls with this 16 year old nationally ranked player today. He was good and I know if I played him I would have won. But the thing is that it would have been a struggle for control early on and a battle of minds and dominating games. So I wonder know God, how do I ascend? God I'm running towards a vision and now I'm wondering again how do I ascend to the next level of myself.
I want to become the man God has planned for me, but what does that take? I've given so much of myself and am willing to give more but, how do I do that? God talk to me, I need your guidance.

A girl

Today I met a girl. Never did learn her name, but I can remember her face. Her tears sliding down as she asked me and another coach for help. "Please help me, she's trying to beat me up" the girl said in a frantic voice. The other coach suggested she come with us, but her friend yelling from a distance "PUNCH HER BACK!"; I stood wondering what I should say. The girl sits there frozen between two worlds, one of common sense and peace, and one of chaos and fame. I told her as I walked away you should just let it go. She looked at me with her eyes red from either being hit in the face or from just the sure pain and embarrassment of her situation. I told her if you fight what do you get? Both look at me thinking long and hard with no response. I say just be you, eventually everyone gets hit. Who cares what everyone else thinks; just be yourself. But as I walked away I couldn't get her out of my mind. Her face still resonates in the back of my mind. God I feel like I'm never doing enough. Forgive me if I lost another one of your children to the world. I should have done more....

Catching Up

A couple things,

First I've been working a lot lately and getting no where financially but everything else is going great so thats an update on that.

I was looking around when I was in south east DC and was wondering when did we let things get this bad? When in the time of the world did we stop loving each other and starting separating ourselves from each other. I mean private property signs, people yelling at you just cause you look their direction, even having to pay people just to drink clean water. I see kids and I just worry about the future, I've seen from great kid to the kid who smokes and curses and has sex. I just gotta know what happened. Where did we go wrong with love and start wanting things over each others company? And it's not just me complaining about everyone else, today a homeless man walked into the same subway I was in and asked if I could spare change so he could get something to drink. The guy behind the counter screamed for him to "GET OUT" and I told him the money wasn't mine; which is wasn't by the way. So does that make me a terrible person? Ugh I'm going to hell. Sorry God.

Is it bad that now I'm actually starting to route for the relationships in movies to end? You know how in romantic comedies when the main character breaks up with this great girl who matches with him so well cause of some random reason? Well i say in my head well your probably better off. I feel so cynical about this subject now. Everyone I know is getting married or dating and moving on and I look at these women and I just don't see anything. I use to have long fantasies or like imagin talking or dating them, but now I just see crazy chic, high maintenance, annoying voice, probably bangs every dude that walks. Ugh, I guess this is the first step to eternal single hood right? Even the person I was talking to is pissed. I mean like I work and work and work and honestly sometimes I do forget to call her or just am so tunnel vission that everything personal falls to way side. Ugh yup so this is the guy who is going to sit on his pourch when he's like 50 and yell at young couples cause I waisted my life working it away. Anyways lifes a box of chocolates, too bad it melts in the sun. Crap.