Trio

I was reflecting one day and saw an old picture of when I was at UMES and just started hanging with the alleged trio, and I couldn't help but laugh. When they would fight in the middle of the computer lab, or when they would compare astonishing collections, or even when we would fight constantly over things that had no real relevance to our lives. Then the last day we were all together came to my mind, and how we ended. It seemed so anticlimactic. I mean there was no group hug, or cheers with the lights fading out and the credits roll as the camera zooms out slowly. There were packed bags, relatives and short good-byes. I can't help but wonder will I find anyone else who actually related to me like they did? I even miss said girlfriends and the inside jokes about our weird quirks. Hmph, it's funny. Being emo right now isn't so bad, if it means I remember my best friends, better yet my brothers like this. Then I'll be emo till I pass. Miss you guys, hope your lives are well and you prosper without fault.

Hate at home

I haven't been feeling real positive lately, it's kinda up and down lately. I go to work with nothing but bills and everything on my mind, then I finally feel like I get my peace there. But when I get home it's like I feel so small. I look at my mom and I can tell she still see's him. I will always be the son of the guy who left her. And no matter what I do I won't be my brother. I can't be the golden child. I sound so bitter and sad, but it's true. Like I can't do anything to earn any respect here. I keep seeing things but.... I dunno. At the end of the day I just sit in my room quietly trying to achieve so I can finally take this family to the next level. But thats selfish right? Saying I so much in this blog? I mean Jesus didn't say I as much as he talked about the world did he? I feel kinda low, just wondering if I'm doing the right thing and if there is a future or will I always be hated at home? I am the son of the man who left but I'm trying to be the son who gave everything for others. Maybe I'm not doing enough. Just sucks right now to kinda be me.

Single

I'm glad that I've built a tolerance for being single. My pastor said I met a young woman and I did, but it ended just as fast as it began. I'm kinda glad because being single seems less of a waste of time than being in a relationship. It seems that most of the time your so worried about the other person you begin to forget about yourself. It doesn't help that I try so hard to please everyone, that being in a relationship would amplify that to a million. So working and keeping my head down seems the right thing to do. Just glad I made the decision to move on, soon I'll delete her IM and just move on like she never existed. It's like a skill I've developed to erase people from my memory before they can cause any lasting scars or have any impact. Oh well goes with my law that if you waste my time, your erased from mind.

Catch up

So I haven't written in a while. I have to admit I've been kind of afraid to write. The kids I teach tennis too during school hours are some of the worst kids I've ever seen in my life. They have no respect, no fear for authority, no fear for death, no fear of even each other. They only fear the opinion developed if they aren't apart of the cool crowd. The blatantly curse in front of you, and try to steal as much as possible.

I remember asking the PE teacher if the next session I have will have more kids or less and she told me " It either depends on if they are absent or suspended."

Since when is this acceptable to let the youth of tomorrow be swallowed by the sins of our pasts? The principle even stated during class " I don't even know why any of you are laughing, half of you won't pass the 8th grade." So it's ok to ruin your life before it even starts. These kids don't have dreams and if they were to have a flash foward it would either be dead or still in the same house that keeps them prisoner today.

How do you save something that fights to be saved? There are flickers of light though, a young man showed up and he named the entire top ten men of the ATP tennis association. And he offered to help his fellow students. His teacher told me " he's in honors everything, he's a 3.5 student, and is incredibly smart; just acts out because he doesn't want anyone to know he's smart."

So a man has a candle and is surrounded by hundreds playing in the dark, and since there are so many, he hides his candle so he will be accepted. He deserves much more than that. I'm just not sure what to do with these children. I also started talking to a friend and I'm not sure I want to even talk, because I don't think I'm good enough to be desired. It's weird because I still live at home and don't have my own everything I feel undesirable. But some reason people see potential in me for more in work, life, love, and all that jive. Well thats whats been going on in a nut shell hope your still reading whoever you are. Peace.

Assending

I hit tennis balls with this 16 year old nationally ranked player today. He was good and I know if I played him I would have won. But the thing is that it would have been a struggle for control early on and a battle of minds and dominating games. So I wonder know God, how do I ascend? God I'm running towards a vision and now I'm wondering again how do I ascend to the next level of myself.
I want to become the man God has planned for me, but what does that take? I've given so much of myself and am willing to give more but, how do I do that? God talk to me, I need your guidance.

A girl

Today I met a girl. Never did learn her name, but I can remember her face. Her tears sliding down as she asked me and another coach for help. "Please help me, she's trying to beat me up" the girl said in a frantic voice. The other coach suggested she come with us, but her friend yelling from a distance "PUNCH HER BACK!"; I stood wondering what I should say. The girl sits there frozen between two worlds, one of common sense and peace, and one of chaos and fame. I told her as I walked away you should just let it go. She looked at me with her eyes red from either being hit in the face or from just the sure pain and embarrassment of her situation. I told her if you fight what do you get? Both look at me thinking long and hard with no response. I say just be you, eventually everyone gets hit. Who cares what everyone else thinks; just be yourself. But as I walked away I couldn't get her out of my mind. Her face still resonates in the back of my mind. God I feel like I'm never doing enough. Forgive me if I lost another one of your children to the world. I should have done more....

Catching Up

A couple things,

First I've been working a lot lately and getting no where financially but everything else is going great so thats an update on that.

I was looking around when I was in south east DC and was wondering when did we let things get this bad? When in the time of the world did we stop loving each other and starting separating ourselves from each other. I mean private property signs, people yelling at you just cause you look their direction, even having to pay people just to drink clean water. I see kids and I just worry about the future, I've seen from great kid to the kid who smokes and curses and has sex. I just gotta know what happened. Where did we go wrong with love and start wanting things over each others company? And it's not just me complaining about everyone else, today a homeless man walked into the same subway I was in and asked if I could spare change so he could get something to drink. The guy behind the counter screamed for him to "GET OUT" and I told him the money wasn't mine; which is wasn't by the way. So does that make me a terrible person? Ugh I'm going to hell. Sorry God.

Is it bad that now I'm actually starting to route for the relationships in movies to end? You know how in romantic comedies when the main character breaks up with this great girl who matches with him so well cause of some random reason? Well i say in my head well your probably better off. I feel so cynical about this subject now. Everyone I know is getting married or dating and moving on and I look at these women and I just don't see anything. I use to have long fantasies or like imagin talking or dating them, but now I just see crazy chic, high maintenance, annoying voice, probably bangs every dude that walks. Ugh, I guess this is the first step to eternal single hood right? Even the person I was talking to is pissed. I mean like I work and work and work and honestly sometimes I do forget to call her or just am so tunnel vission that everything personal falls to way side. Ugh yup so this is the guy who is going to sit on his pourch when he's like 50 and yell at young couples cause I waisted my life working it away. Anyways lifes a box of chocolates, too bad it melts in the sun. Crap.

My prayer of 7

Lord I do not fear what I cannot do, but what I might become. Don't let me go. You've given me this confidence, don't let it turn it to vanity. You've given me this patience, don't let it turn to slothfulness. You've given me this hunger, don't let it turn to gluttony. You've given me this fire, don't let it turn to anger. You've given me this ability to learn, don't let it turn to envy. You've given me vision, don't let it turn to greed. Turn me to your warrior not lust after this world. I love you God save me with every ounce your being and not prideful to save myself. I need you and love you more.

Rough Day

Sometimes I wish days had a soundtrack, cause today was pretty rough. Started off with waking up and feeling like a bus ran me over. Then I summoned the strength to go all the way to SE and train for 2 hours and then play tennis. I know sounds weird but I only saw the tennis court for 30mins. I didn't play well at all. I don't know whats going on but I feel like I'm being pulled in a million different directions. One way with Pg another way with SE another way with Gamestop, And another way by my art. I'm starting to find out that something has to get cut. Well to my one follower thanks for reading, we are 1 strong and growing I think. Struggling and missing the beauty in life. Like I can't play unhappy. No joking and fun then I'm not motivated to be brilliant. Like gamestop is about to get cut. I'm tired of getting the same corny joke hey man can I get a discount on this, NIGGA CAN I GET A DISCOUNT AT THE MCDONALDS YOU WORK AT! I have so many worlds going on right now I wonder if any of them are real. But then again I don't want a life, cause that means being attached to something. I'm so use to letting things go that I forgotten how to keep things around. Hopefully someday I figure out how a personal life works. Peace

Silence

Ok here's another blog day for ya. Lately I've been dealing with this whole talking thing. I've been trying to figure out what went wrong with my past so that I don't do it in the future. I'm trying to learn how to listen even more than before becaue sometimes I struggle with why I am like I am. I mean it's not that I am a bad guy, I'm a awesome guy! i'm just really avid about becoming better and finding the one. See I've been getting fitter and fitter physically and smarter mentally, but I'm trying to get a grasp on what I really want out of a partner. I've been patient recently and it's been great, but is this the real thing or another step to greatness? God has been showing me my past and I've been getting better for the future. I'm nervous about success but now I think I'm ready to become the great person I know I can be.

What do you want from Me

I'm named barricade because I contain everything behind high walls around treacherous battle fields. Lately I've been surrounded by struggles with work, and being broke, constant hunger, and the struggle with the fast from bread. My car doesn't work and I've been doubting my life while everything else flourishes. So God I ask what do you want from me? I keep trying and trying and failing and failing, what must I succeed from to finally achieve what you need from me. I can't talk to anyone cause they always look down on me as a project and some little child when I scream I'm not under you. Either I'm confident by not speaking who I am and whats wrong with me or I'm a pessimist. SO I ask you all what do you want from me? I keep trying to be better and achieve my goals but end up falling to the back burner and I can't even get the littlest bit of teaching or training so I ask you coaches, what do you want from me? Then I ask my family am I worthless? I can't save you all or even myself so i ask what do you want from me? And I ask myself how do you become happy? What do you want from me?

A new day

Welcome to the first of many hopeful blogs. It's been ALOT going on during my last couple of months here at the Clarke residence. Most of it was good then i had a huge let down and now I'm waiting. It's crazy like all the things in my life I have to wait for, my job with South East Tennis & Learning, a certain person, and just overall going forward with my life. It's like God has been teaching me patience for 24 almost 25 years. I wonder why I have to learn such a torturous and long lesson? Lately I've been so confused about where to go, and it's like God is purposly not saying anything to see how faithful I am. It's madness really. Anyways I look forward to the next time I have to write something. I think I'll start writing about my outings and adventures cause someone needs to know about this stuff.