Day 11 In the field

So as a photographer, it's awesome to be in the field. When your out there, it's like the world is your oyster. Colors are bolder, shapes are more apparent, and everything means something when your out in the field. Especially when you take your Ipod or Mp3 player out, it's like the soundtrack to your life. I applied going out in the field to the fast and looked around and was like everything is so beautiful. I love being in the field and sitting back and seeing the magic of this world.

God has blessed me with the sight to see the great things in life. I can see a tree and the way light reflects off it like a warm calm day. I can't help but be bless by God giving me this eye. I love to sit in the back seat of a car and blur my eyes and see all the colors flow by to the soundtrack my Ipod plays for me. Prais him who gave me he ability to see. This Blog is just the understanding of how Beautiful life is. Breezes, warm sun on my cheek, laughter by children on the play ground, Ocean tide going in and out, and the look in her eye. Beautiful Love God for this.

Day 10 Picky

As a photographer you come to the realization that not all of your works will make it to the gallery. Or become a finished product. So you literally have to sit and pick which is good, and which just doesn't make the cut. Applying this theory to my life; I use to be characterized as a picky person. You ask my high school friends or college roommates, they know I rarely dated someone out of the top 5 hottest women. And when I would get them I would treat them like they were the greatest thing since sliced bread.

But now I really see that I was glorifying the exterior of everything, even myself. But If I was to really see it all, I was picking the bottom fruit. The ones with bruises and rotten. Not to say I haven't dated some great women or even done some great things. But If I am to really be happy, I must become picky with the inside. I must see the soul. and pick out all the bad traits, so when it hits the gallery, people will see a vision and not just something pretty.

I want to see the whole person, their values, their spirit, their dreams, Hopes, failures, and God. I believe I need to be picky about these things inside myself as well. I don't accept me because I've accepted too many things that go against my morals. So before I put my show up for everyone to see, I need to get correct with myself and the values God has placed in me.

Day 9 Lead Photographer

CONFIDENCE

1. a : a feeling or consciousness of one's powers or of reliance on one's circumstances

There comes a time when we must take the lead of life and begin to branch out. In photography, that is when you direct your own shoot and become lead photographer. You have assistants who trust your word and will follow you as you say. But with this great power you must exude confidence. Without confidence in what you are doing there will be no one around to believe you and your attempts at greatness. In my life, I have trouble demonstrating confidence. I believe heavily on my dream and calling, but even in my own mind I cannot see persevering through tough battles, though I am completely capable.

So to believe in one's self begins with prayer, and understanding what God sees in you. My abilities should far surpass my doubts of myself. Second I really need to start meditating on how God has blessed me and how I will fight for the future he has given me. And three, to accept the fact that I've chosen an torturous career and turning back would be to admit failure. Those who believe in Christ do not know failure, but those who have no faith, know surrender. As the wise Buzz Lightyear said "Never Give up, Never Surrender".

So I'm going to begin with taking a bunch of sticky post notes and place them on the mirror of my bathroom and each morning I will recite those positive sayings and believe it. I'll believe in it as God believes in me. (Hope you keep reading, it's just getting good).

Day 8 Many lenses

I've come to find that I'm actually 4 different people. Like lenses on a camera. Each has it's own purpose. They are all reliable and do great things. Some of my friends and family will attest to me being a different person in different aspects of my life. I've been told to bring them all together into one world but I'm still not sure if my worlds would fit together. Lets go down the list and attributes.

1. Tennis: Confident, super competitive, never gives up, and always looking to improve

2. Art: quiet, spiritual, deep, emo, introverted

3. ANQ: jokey, extremely extroverted, active, caring, loving

4. Home: quiet, depressed, eager to travel, introverted.

5. Gamestop: extroverted, hard working, salesman, PG accent, nerdy, gamer

There are some common grounds in between those different mes, but would they get along. I wondering if those folk were to actually walk in a room together, would they talk? Would they enjoy each others company? I don't know. Maybe God is still working on my true face.

Day 7 Second opinion

In Photography, sometimes when choosing an image, you need an second opinion. A voice of reason when you believe you have it all under control, when in reality your work is pretty jacked. That's God in my life. God constantly is over my shoulder saying, No, that don't look right, and COME ON SON! I believe every person needs God as their voice of reason. I love when learning how to hear the voice of God he speaks right to you. Today I told a troubled couple they were going to have kids. I could see the man's eyes grow red, and his wife smiled so big and tears flowed. It wasn't me who spoke, but God giving me a message to deliver to them.

God speaks through those who ask to hear his voice. So right now I begged and pleaded for God's second opinion on my life. He's very quiet about my own life, but becomes very verbal referring to others lives. I love the fact he desires sacrifice for his building of his kingdom. I thank God for my second opinion.

Day 6 Dark Room

If you guys haven't noticed a theme to my blogs are all photographer terms. I keep thinking maybe I should have gone with tennis or something a little less technical, but I like it.

A dark room is a room of solitude. Superman has his fortress, batman his cave, spider-man has his cathedral towers, I have my dark room. It's the room I can go to where I can focus on making quality work. I produce some amazing works in there. It's where I can develop my works, thoughts, and self. It's peaceful, quiet, and at times beautiful. I've spent countless hours staring at pieces of myself left on negatives, to enlarge to spread around.

Now if I was a photograph, I really believe I haven't gotten enough exposure to produce. I don't have enough light shining through for people to notice me. I'm too dark and hard to see. A lot of folk claim they know me, but do you? Or do you claim to know one of my many faces. (Hint: next blog called lens change.) There are parts of me that are predictable, but it's only because I can't be myself around you. I am a dark photograph. So I think I need more exposure. It's time to let someone into my dark room and be completely real with them. I'm not going to force this process, it's open to those who want to see it, but it is time. So now my fortress of solitude is open to the public. Hope and pray this is the right thing to do.

I've prayed about it and it's open to those who I trust. Those I trust are so far and few between. But the world inside this sacred tavern are overwhelming. Prepare yourself, time to let the light in.

Day 5 Bad photo

There are some days when your really examining yourself and you find that there are people in your life you actually don't need. There are people who are just not matches for you. I've encountered great people and not so great. But you have to make a decision whether or not these people are actually beneficial in your life. So when I reached the boiling point with some people, I choose to walk away. It's not bad to just walk away from some people.

Some folks will lead you to sin, some will lead you to ignorance, some will lead you to Christ, and some will lead you to their perception of God. But in the end if you trust in God, then you'll come to find that you are to love all of man kind, but you won't be friends with all of man kind. So today I really can work with a lot of people, but I will never in a day hang out with them. So do away with the bad, don't be a pack rat, and allow God to guide you. Those with Christ in their heart are usually the people who are going to be closer to you if Christ is in yours.

Have you ever heard a bird of a feather flock together? Most people who have ambition will be with people who strive to succeed; regardless of financial situation. Friends can sense your spirit, and will want to be around it. So for me I've discarded those spirits who are not heading in the same direction and press forward to the Goal.

Day 4 Multiple subjects

I've had my run ins with women. I'm no player or some amazing guy who gets women all the time. But I've done pretty well for myself and honestly I don't want to do well anymore. I've come to the strong conclusion that I want to have the real deal. I can't hang out with multiple women, or chat up a bunch and be a major flirt. I miss missing someone; the "One". I've had these thoughts, dreams at times of just laughing uncontrollably with the great friend love. I have this love that is dying to burst out and be shared with the world, but it seems the world isn't ready for great love. The world is stuck on temporary satisfaction.

Sometimes I wake up believing there will be this amazing women who is my support, and a gift from God. But for now and forever the only gift I need is God. I don't really desire sex, or the physical things of this world. I do lust, don't get my wrong; but I don't want that. I just want someone to come home to and share my thoughts and this colorful world I've created around me. believe me this world I live in, is much more than the bitter grey it's portrayed to be. It's vibrant and full of life, laughter, and beauty. I've painted myself into so many of my images or art works. Though it is complete with me and God being the muse, Is it wrong for me to want to build upon it? So I don't desire to photograph multiple subjects. I just want one great piece of art. Hope this makes sense.

Day 3 Battery Low

Day 3

Low battery

So today was a fairly simple day. Though I am kind of off set by the fact I haven't hit a tennis ball since Sunday, but everyone needs a day to recharge their battery. So I sat and worked on some comic work. I've improved vastly on my story telling ability and line work. But I'm a perfectionist in my life so I work hard to continue to be the best. And this is a constant in anything I do in life. I fight for what I want and anyone who gets in my way I see it as a challenge. I equate sitting still as not being productive. But who is to say that sitting still isn't being productive in one's self? The big guy is always finding ways to have me self reflect and sit still. He knows that I don't like to sit watching TV all day or even just talking to people all day. Being the true introvert that I am, I leaned back into my seat and contemplated. Everyone is going to struggle, no matter how much money you have there will be trouble around the corner. So even if I've paid all my bills off and loans and just anything I need, being the perfectionist I am I know it will not be enough. Now don't get me wrong, I don't need more stuff; but there are things in life that I haven't experienced that my sheer desire to explore and experience would drive me to do.

Come to think of it now, even if I do these things what will I overall be accomplishing? A friend of mine said he wants to do things but not have more responsibility from it. SO I see life as this, no matter who you are, someones always following you. Now it depends on the company you keep on who follows your steps. Could be God, the devil, a kid, a friend, brother, ext. But honestly, when they are following you, it's up to you to decide whether your running from them or leading them. So in the end of it all, the things I do now, are setting up the road for my children, friends, and family. Oh and you can't lead God but he will always be around all the days of your life. So as I sit back and look at the amazing things I've done. All the awards I've won, my two bachelor degrees, my painting, posters, photos, and loved ones; I've come to find that everything i need in life I already have. It is my constant desire to achieve what I've been placed on this planet to do that will be my eternal struggle. So my batter isn't low because of having to deal with so much, it's because I'm fighting to do what I've been placed here to do. Battery recharged.

Day 2, Not in Focus

Day 2

Not in Focus

Alright today was a long day, the great thing about long drives was it gives me time to really sit and focus on what it means to be a friend. I've realized in my life that it's no fairy tale. You won't meet the women of your dreams by bumping into them in college or at the locker, or be chasing the hot girl and the girl of your dreams be your best friend; that stuff just doesn't happen. I've set those situations up so many times and failed horribly. I've been rejected by best friends, sorta friends, and acquaintances. The lucky few who find their soul mates in highschool are the lucky ones. All I know is that your a lucky few to find that great love. I do miss being with someone though. I miss cuddling, kissing the base of their neck where there back meets their shoulders. Feeling the woman play with your hands as you hold her tight and secure. I've had a friend for a while now, who's been there for me and at the same not been there. It's a torture rack trying to figure out whats going on with her. But that's the thing, why do I have to figure out whats going on with her when the only thing that matters is me. Seems selfish I know but to be real, I can try to figure out the needs of the world or what that person is laughing about or talking about or if anyone out there really notices me, but what does it really matter if there is not absolute reason for me to care. I lived by loving till it hurts, but I have to love me before I can love everyone around me. Or this love I give will destroy me from the inside out.

You can't give love if love doesn't preside within. So this might be something God want's me to do right now. He wants me to not be long focused but to focus on the foreground which is me. I have to understand myself and love myself and him before I love others. So Listening to a great friend I believe it's time to increase my 40 day journey into not talking to women. Well let's say to confide in my brothers and male friends before a women. So I need an accountability partner. This seems kind of difficult but one day at a time. Will it be hard with this self reflection? VERY!

Behind the camera lens

DAY 1: This is a fast from the concerns of the world and deal with the major concerns of self.

Today's focus is the notice of lack of confidence in my own future. It's hard to gain confidence in my future with lack of progress. The funny thing is that I am progressing. I have been constantly improving and have noticed a substantial difference in my game a month ago and my game today. Now it's not to say that I'm perfect, this Game is always a work in progress. Today, I went to turn in my Pee test for this new job in Baltimore. I shutter at the face that one I'm working in Baltimore and two that I have to take this huge down grade to work at this job. Almost like two steps back and half a step forward. But hey it's paying the bills. My pastor told me that I've had enough humble pie and God will bless me financially and I don't know when to quit. That's me; the guy who doesn't know when to quit. All I know is this 40 blog session is going to be tough. But a good friend told me to leave the world to itself and to focus on how I should view myself and what I should be confident in. And I thank that person and hope that person is reading. :) till day two.

I Miss List

These are those rare things that catch my mind on a calm day like today

I Miss......

When I could ride in the back of the school bus
When Everything was fresh and new
When messing up didn't make you a loser
When watching movies alone didn't mean you were a creeper
When video games actually had plots
When being a nerd wasn't a trend
When my family was together
When me and my brother were actually friends
When trying counted for something
When things came easy
Women who have diction
Traveling around the world
When having emotions didn't have a title (Emo)
When the moment passes by
When Music captured hearts and minds
Sitting in the sun and just enjoying the day
Riding bikes with my friends and not being judged because of it
Walking places
When caring about a person didn't make you seem like a weirdo
Writing about fantasy, and things that were once magical
Singing with no inhibition
Laughing till my stomach hurts
The Umes art department, (the people not the building)
being a trio, that dug in
Playing Xbox live and not being judged for liking video games
Friends being family
Driving anywhere and the radio playing the perfect playlist
cuddling
Having someone know what I'm going to say before I say it
not feeling like the black sheep in the group
Not being the only person who can't pay for their meal
When the sky was the limit
Lying on the back seat of the car and watching the sky fly by
Sound of the Ocean
Knowing exactly what I wanted to be when I grew up
Getting yelled at by my teacher and then he laughs about it
My professors at UMES
Being mysterious
meeting someone new
Having someone who is actually interested in me for ME
Not being such a jerk all the time
When Friends episodes were new
When gas was only 1.25
When people actually looked up to me
When i had potential
being happy......
Looking across the table and your eyes alone making me smile
Having the Coldasac boys from Woodmore South around
having a friend who would talk so I can just listen
Having a friend to be around and not have to say anything at all
Being important
to somebody
to something
for something.......
I miss you